Babe . what if pepel forget me ? what if one day when i say "How have you been? I haven't seen you in ages." I get a blank look and a "Who are you?" We are all afraid . I am afraid . I am frightened that my existence will be questioned . I'm scared that all the pepel who i think about , who laugh with me and who are always there for me will be gone one day . I fear loneliness most of all , I fear my candle will blow out and i will be left in the dark breathing in the scent of salty tears . Time is running out , it is rushing on , ticking so fast I am bewildered . I want to hang on , I would like to stop time , freeze it in a polaroid picture frame and stick it on my wall . I would like to beg to go back and be young back to previous times when I thought life was amazingly beautiful .
Running away is a luxury most would want to be able . When you run , you pay . You pay using your old identity and your old life . Once you run , you can never look back . You may come back , but no one will remember . Running is akin to take an old eraser and scrub out your past memories - slowly eradicating every sign that you were ever there . Sorrow comes with escape , freedom comes with a price . I am holding your bounty - I am holding my own life in my hand , as if it contained within a glass sphere . My life is like a glass sphere . The sphere is exotic and unique , it's stunning , the glass is made beautiful with a million tones , saturated shades and gorgeous tones , it feels so wonderful , so bright and acrylic but slippery .
I don't want to drop it but I can feel it slipping out of my hands . I am struggling to cling hold of it , but it's too smooth to grip . It is a nightmare where life is sketched in charcoal - soft and smudged and horrifyingly dark - I am crouched over refusing to let it go . It is so uncomfortable right now , but i know if i let go , everything will be gone . The essence and very meaning of life will fleet me so quickly as I won't know it had passed . When it shatters , it will never be able to be repaired ; Am I strong enough to hold on ? Or am I so weak that I will let go ?
Letting go may be considered healthy , a start of something new . We all have to adapt to change . Yet no one said I had to like it . I have adapted , I have tried , I just have not felt anything remotely close to that feeling - the feeling of always knowing there is a safety net . When you climb and you cross a tightrope , your life is spinning in an orb of perplexed whirls .
When you are cruel , you run faster .When you are vicious , it is easier to leave . Of course there will be pain - when is there no pain ? Taking a pair of scissors fabricated from anguished lies and blunt smirks will tear any relationship apart faster than ripping threads . There will be frayed ends , trailing lines of hurt and misunderstood confusion , but just keep snipping and then everything will stop . Alternatively , jumping into a vacuum is preferred . Vacuums are empty , devoid of any space , any emotion - they might remind you of the galaxy without any stars . A blanket of pinch night , thick and smothering . I am trailing on and on , I am pretentious . I write this to build a safety shield . My facades are so strong I am not even sure if it is a facade anymore . A smoked screen , a brick wall . Different layers of protection concealed so quietly they morph into reality ; like strange beasts from the night slithering their way in through the bedroom window . A familiar child's nightmare , a feared adult memory . I am stuck . I question my beliefs and my values . I question if I know who I am , if I am confiding in the right people , if I am right or I have strolled down the wrong path . Life is a gamble . Those who are deep in misfortune limp , crawl and shuffle their way through . Those who were lucky stroll , jaunt , skip and laugh their way through . Those happy dance , those sad stumble . Those puzzled will hesitate , those confident will stride . I have halted at a standstill as people pass me by . They become increasingly blurs as they go faster and faster . But yet I am not able to walk on because I don't know where I am going . I don't know where I'm meant to go or where should I go . Where people are telling me to go , or where I want to go . Worst of all , I don't know who will be going with me .
P/S : Grow old with me ?
Doubt ,
Fitrah Ilyana .
