RESPECT!

Babe..

I wrote this and it apply to every one on the earth..hopefully..

Mood hari nehhh not really good..sorry..

Wehhhh..aku tahu kau tak suka dia..dia yang kau pernah rapat..

Walaupun tak rapat mana tapi dia orang yang you used to know!

Aku tahu and aku sedar kau nak jauh kan diri daripada dia..

Konon kau tak nak dia sakit dengan tindakan kau..

Tapi,,

Boleh takk kau jangan penting kan diri sendiri?

Kau tak fikir ke kau buat macam tuh kat dia,,lagi dia tertanya-tanya apa salah dia dekat kau sampai kau kena jauh kan diri dari dia tanpa apa-apa explanation..

JANGAN JADI SELFISH BOLEH KANN?!

Kalau tak suka pun,,boleh jea cakap elok-elok dekat dia kan?

Explain dekat dia slow-slow..

Kau tak rugi apa pun bro..

Jangan main buang mcm tuh jea orang yang pernah hadir dalam hidup kau..

Dia orang,,Ada perasaan..

Dia bukan sampah..sampah kalau buang punnn kena buang elok-elok dalam tong sampah..

Tolong fikir perasaan org sikit..

Maybe kau boleh cakap,,kau tak kisah kalau org buat benda yg sama dekat kau..

Tapi kesian sangat kat kau,,maknanya hati kau dah cukup keras untuk fikir perasaan orang lain..

Pity you.. :)

'DIA' itu aku,,

Fitrah Ilyana.

PESAN MAMA TENTANG ABAH :')

Babe..I always told mama how I miss ABAH so much!!how I used to do everything with him on that one fine day..how I used to be pampered by him every single second of my life..how I wish I could have just one more day with him so that I can tell him how proud I am to have him as my daddy..and mama just listened and keep listening without even saying a word..until one day mama gave me this..I cried reading this over and over again.. :')  

Duhai anakku..

Memang ABAH tak mengandungkan mu..tapi,,darah ABAH mengalir dalam darahmu..Dan dari ABAH juga kau warisi namanya,,kedermawanannya dan kerendahan hatinya anakku..

Memang bukan ABAH yang melahirkan mu..tapi,,suara ABAH lah yang pertama sekali menghantar kamu kepada Allah ketika kamu lahir anakku..

Memang ABAH tak menyusukan mu..tapi,,dari keringat dan titik peluh ABAH lah setiap suapan yang menjadi air susumu anakku..

Memang ABAH tak menjaga kamu setiap saat..tapi,,tahukah kamu..dalam setiap doa ABAH pasti akan ada namamu anakku..tak pernah walau sekali pun ABAH lupa menyebut namamu..

Tangisan ABAH mungkin tak pernah kamu dengar..kenapa??sebab ABAH ingin terlihat kuat..agar kamu tak ragu untuk berlindung di lengannya..agar kamu selesa di dadanya di saat kamu berasa tak aman..Mama tahu..pelukan ABAH sama hangatnya,,dan sama eratnya dengan pelukan mama..

Anakku..

Betapa cinta dan sayangnya ABAH kepada kamu,,dia tak sanggup dan amat takut untuk melepaskanmu pergi..

Tapi ABAH juga ingin kamu kuat kan semangat supaya nanti satu saat kami tiada lagi untukmu,,kamu sanggup menghadapi segalanya sendiri..

Mama hanya ingin kamu tahu anakku..

Cinta ABAH kepadamu sama besarnya seperti cinta mama kepadamu..Dari dirinya juga terdapat syurga bagimu..jangan pernah Berhenti merindui,,menyayangi dan mendoakan ABAH Wahai anakku..kerana mama juga adalah daripada tulang rusuknya..

Mama tahu kamu rindukann ABAH setiap saat hidupmu..mama tahu betapa hati kamu perit menanggung segala bebanan perasaan..tapi,,mama bersyukur..sekurang-kurangnya ABAH tak pernah lekang dari hidup anak-anak mama..mama gembira kerana mama yakin ABAH akan sentiasa segar dan hidup dalam memori anak-anak mama..

ABANG,,tengoklah anak-anak abang membesar dengan baik..anak-anak abang mampu menjadi saham akhirat paling berharga untuk abang..bersemadilah dengan aman abang..bangga lah dengan anak-anak kita yang telah abang asuh dan abang beri sepenuh kasih sayang ini..mereka hari ini adalah hasil didikan abang selama ini..Terima kasih abang atas anugerah yang tidak ternilai harganya..

TREATING THE BROKEN HEART

Babe. so long since the last one haa. yes, im still alive. still trying hard to survive to keep myself alive every single day. im carving my smile everyday, hiding the tears and suffers behind. i have to. i have no other choice left. babe. i miss him. yes, for like million times. i miss him more and more every seconds passes. but, i can do nothing. A said, "you have Allah fit. every time you miss him, go seek Him. Allah listen to every word of His servants." so i told Allah a lot about him, and i cried. i cannot help but crying everyday. those 2 eyes were swollen most of the time. i wonder if i cried all night. maybe i did. and it looks like i'll start crying at any time again. i can't even say anything to him again if i miss him. all those messages from him before, i keep reading it every night.

i wanted to crazily follow you abah and call out to you. but, reality tells me immediately that you have left! that you are gone! that i should let you go. but reality never know that im suffering! reality never know that my heart hurt like hell every time im thinking of you, thinking of how much i need you and miss you! reality never know that my day feels so unfamiliar, each day that you're not here with me. reality refuse to understand that one fact of me! abah, i need you. especially during this time, where normally your hug is the best remedy above all. i miss you. heart, please be strong. you have to!

Locked out of myself,

Fitrah Ilyana.

SEMANGAT

Abah. ku masih ingat detik itu. ku pegang tanganmu yang kasar. ku tatap wajahmu yang kian lusuh dek lelahnya pengorbanan. ku rangkul bahumu yang terlihat bongkok demi kami. ku papah diri mu yang lemah hingga ke pembaringan. abah. abah selalu bercerita tentang kehidupan. tentang betapa jerihnya realiti. ku belajar dari ceritamu. dari pengalamanmu. abah selalu bercerita tentang perjuangan. hingga aku menjadi semangat tatkala terkenang kembali segala perjuanganmu selama hayat ini. abah. sering abah bisikkan kata sayang. ketika aku lelah akan hariku. sering abah menjadi inspirasi. dalam perjalananku meraih cita-cita dan sebuah impian yang belum tentu. hingga ku tak putus harapan. di saat aku hampir berputus asa. abah genggam tanganku. merenung mataku. lalu aku putuskan untuk terus berlari mengejar cita-cita dan harapan. kerana aku tahu. kejayaan aku memberi erti yang sangat berharga untukmu. abah. saat-saat terakhir bersamamu tak akan pernah aku lupa. sempat ku pegang tangan mu saat wajahmu terpancar ketakutan. sempat ku tatap matamu yang penuh dengan air mata. merenung sayu bersama rasa cinta yang tiada batasan. sempat ku usap kakimu yang terlihat lelah akan langkah kehidupan. sempat ku menangis ketika kau terbujur bertarung dengan kesakitan. abah. deritamu kini berakhir sudah. tunggulah kami di pintu syurga. senyumlah abah. kini beban mu sudah terlerai. ku menunggu saat waktu kita bertemu. tiada penyesalan terpalit di hati ini. ku sempat hadir untuk memberimu semangat dan kekuatan dalam melawan rasa sakit. meski aku tak mampu untuk meredakan rasa itu. abah. bersemadilah dengan aman. hadirlah dalam mimpiku jika anakmu ini rindu. meski jiwa yang lemah ini kadang kala rapuh tanpamu, tapi jangan pernah khuatir abah. aku pasti kuat dalam menempuh ujian-Nya. abah. tanpa nafasmu, tanpa senyummu, tanpa senda dan tawamu, hidup ini terasa kosong dan sepi. kerana abah adalah insan yang selalu menyinari hari-hari kami. iringan doa dalam munajat sentiasa hadir untukmu abah. abah. anak-anakmu kini berjaya menjadi insan. andai hayatmu masih ada, abah pasti bangga melihat kami. sudah ku tunaikan tanggungjawab sebagai kakak abah. ku cuba tunaikan sebaik mungkin. semampu kudrat dan upaya. helmi dah selamat melangkah ke universiti. abah. helmi dah besar. dia makin dewasa. hati sayu mengenangkan dirinya yang mendaftar tanpamu. tapi kami semua tahu dia kuat. abah melihat segala-galanya kan? abah tahu anak-anak abah mampu berjaya kan? kami janji kami akan buat abah dan mama berjaya. ku rindu dirimu, abah. :')

Perindu setia,

Fitrah Ilyana.

SUNYI

The jeans and the shirt you bought me. The pijama that i havent worn for a short while. i wear it by myself right now. i feel good by myself. the old pictures that i took out again. the pictures where you and me are happily smiling. i look at them by myself. i feel good by myself. why am i still? why am i still here? why am i like this? can i call you again? NO! i tried to be better so you wont cry. i miss you so much! your eyes, your nose, your lips, everything of you! i try to imagine im eating with you but you're not here. i try to imagine im watching a movie with you but you're not here. the street we used to walk together, if only i can walk with you again. everyday. if only we can walk together again. i'd like it very much. the song you always sings for me. now it's the song that i play everyday. i listen to it by myself. i feel good by myself. i walk on the street without you. i get in the car without you. it feels like no one is looking for me. it hurts a lot. it sicks my heart. the break up that i thought would never come to us. it came to me secretly, out of sudden. and you leave me so easily. i try to go back to the place we always spend time together but you're not there. no matter how much i call you, you're not there. if only i can make a wish come true, i just wanna spend some more time with you. abah, i want you to know that i'm lonely here without you. i really am. 

Babe. sorry if everything seemed so sad inside here. maybe im not the old me anymore. things changed. people changed. after a while, i still cannot move on. maybe i dont even want to. its hard. totally hard. this is the only way i can fully express what i feel right now. i have to be strong in front of other people, so at least please let me throw out my real feelings here. in my own space. so that no one knows what im actually feeling right at this moment. i will find the old me. but its not gonna happen soon. give me more time. the old ilyana will come back. :)

Sepi seorang perindu,

Fitrah Ilyana.

MEMORI DUKA

Babe. secara tiba-tiba, aku teringatkannya. di kamar sepi malam syahdu. inikah tandanya rindu? sengsara tidak terhingga. sejak perpisahan itu terjadi. ku dengar lagu kegemarannya. hatiku sayu. membangkitkan memori yang melukakan hati. lalu aku terdiam. ku cuba lari melalui lena yang panjang namun sia-sia. 4 bulan dalam derita. tanpanya aku merana. ku hidup kini berbekalkan saat manis kita bersama di perjalanan ini. pemergian dirinya menghentam diriku. terperusuk jauh entah di mana. malam kian memaksa aku untuk terus hanyut dalam bayangan duka. "Biarlah Bulan Bicara" semakin merenggut jiwa lara. tiap kali ku dengar, tiap kali itu juga aku menangis. menahan getaran hati yang musnah. memujuk keinginan hati yang tak akan pernah tercapai hasratnya. tabahlah hati. tidurlah sayang. semoga rindumu terubat. walaupun hadir dirinya cuma di dalam mimpi lenamu. abah, kita tunggu abah datang. :')

Anakmu yang rindu,

Fitrah Ilyana.

MESS & WRECK

Babe.

i am always so tired.

but not only tired because i don't get to sleep very well in a lot of my night.

i'm tired of all the nightmares.

of all the fear.

of all the pain.

of all the tears.

of all the lonely moments when i just want to die because i feel like no one really cares.

tired of hoping every single day that just for once i'll be happy.

and nothing bad will ruin it all.

tired of missing someone that was so important to me but that will never comeback.

but most of all.

i'm tired of being strong.

and tired of being so sad.

Fair enuff?

Fitrah Ilyana.

C'Est La Vie

Babe.
i'm afraid. i'm afraid of what's to come next in my life. i don't like this mystery. it scares me knowing i'm starting fresh with no one to hold my hand. i'm afraid of being alone. i'm afraid of being surrounded by people, yet feeling nobody's presence. i'm afraid i'll push everyone who is there away because of my fear. am i ready for this? i'm afraid i'm not.

P/s: ilyana, remember! you were given this life because you are strong enough to live it.

That's Life,

Fitrah Ilyana.

SAD TURTLE

babe.

lately i haven't been feeling well.

and i'm sorry if i don't smile as much.

i'm sorry if my words hurt a bit more.

i'm sorry if you don't like how i do things.

and i'm sorry if,,

instead of hurting myself, the way i used to,,,

i am hurting you instead.

it's hard to scream without my voice.

now i can't cry for help.

now i have to wait,,

for someone to see me trying.

i'm so sorry.

it's been hard on me every time.

dear turtle,

please bear in mind.

you won't go far on that speed.

on top of that.

the road ahead is so far and dangerous.

go after your scars have closed and healed.

i'm serious.

then i will let you go.

why?

because you have a lot of scars.

because you're alone.

that is why you're hiding alone every day.

it's okay if it's a little late.

just take step by step.

slowly.

i will match my steps with yours.

which is slower.

so that you won't have to cry by yourself anymore.

a new leaf will bud.

flowers will blossom.

the love of my tears will produce a seed.

i know it will.

maybe not now.

but someday.

p/s: it's my heart-aching story. after all, with no place to place its heart, no place to go. it's a sad turtle.

The Sad Turtle,

Fitrah Ilyana

KEKUATAN

Babe ! im thinking of something . yang maybe nampak simple , tapi semua orang perlu tahu . semua orang perlu tahu yang kita tak patut menghakimi orang sewenang hati dan akal . semua orang ada konflik yang mungkin tak kita tahu . perempuan yang bertudung litup dan berhijab itu mungkin sentiasa struggle untuk menunaikan solat tepat pada waktunya . perempuan yang menghadapi masalah untuk berhijab di depan khalayak itu mungkin tidak pernah meninggalkan solat dan sentiasa solat pada waktunya . perempuan yang bersolek dan ber'make-up' yang dikatakan macam tepung gomak itu mungkin menghafal juzuk amma . dan perempuan yang berniqab itu mungkin menghadapi masalah untuk membaca al-Quran dengan tajwid yang betul . the truth is , we are all struggling with something or another, takde siapa yang sempurna kat muka bumi nehh . tapi , people seem to think a person who dresses a certain way or look a certain way is more pious than another person . iman tak diukur berdasarkan luaran fizikal semata-mata . ianya lebih dari itu . :)

Yang hina ,

Fitrah Ilyana .

TITANIUM - A REPLY TO YOU

Babe . frankly speaking , im not even ready to put up a post yet . facing through this page for like thousands times and end up close it back over and over again . its been a tough start though . i guess im not fully ready to face the world ; to tell world on what i've been through . but i know i have to put up something as soon as i saw this . you'll never strain yourself from doing what imma doing right now if you receive this .

Maybe it's the sign from Allah that i barely open my dashboard and found my name on the top of the page . babe , im touched . it never come across my mind that one day , my name will become the subject of the post . really . but , as soon as it did , it brought my tears up along . lost in the memories , im really glad i met you in the first place . yes , YOU . you who accept me as who i am . you who never complain on how clingy i am with you all this while . you who stick with me through thick and thin . through all the lectures , through all the tutorials and exams stress , through all the conflicts , through all the dilemmas , through all the crazy experiences , through all the adventurous moments , and through all our minutes and seconds together . and of course , you who never give up on me . like real NEVER . you never be a bad friend to me , babe . you're always one of the greatest . you're the very first roommate i've ever had . only God knows how scared i am to have a stranger sitting together with me , sharing a square , tiny , little room with this spoiled , childish brat . i bet i will be hated through the rest of my days back there . but , it turned out to be wrong . you never be one of those that appear in my imaginations . indeed , you are like my angel . take care of me , be with me all the time , help me with things , share things with me , having a girl talk with me every night , do almost everything with me ! i guess , it's more than enuff with the reasons why i should thank Allah for granted my prayers and gave me YOU . bear in your mind that you are not a bad friend at all . that's the first thing .

About me leaving you ? yes , you can say i leave you . in order for you to build your own strong base . but , it's not that i don't even care about you . it's not that i don't even know anything about you . i know you are sick . i know you are having your hard time . changing attendance physician , having to go for a regular check-up all by yourself , fighting with the inner feeling of receiving the blood result test , every details of your condition , i know . i know it so well . don't ask me where i know everything . we are basically the same person . i read your blog ; without even missing a single word and a single picture . frowning and crying when you sad . worried and scared like hell when you said you're sick . praying real hard when you have a doctor appointment , or when you'll be having any PT and PPD presentation . prayed silently that you will be just fine , just like you used to be when im around back before . glad of looking to that happy smiles of yours . breathed relief that you finally have a new hobby , new life , joining various activities , mingling around your roommates and friends . making me smiles that finally you are surviving and back to be your own self again . even though im not there to support you , im always here , tracking your life timeline ; through twitter , blog and other possible ways else . like all the time .

i miss you . i miss us . i know im keeping my distance from people . it's not only you . to everybody else . its not that im being ignorant upon your condition . NO ! im just feeling guilty . i cant do much . i just can listen . and it really makes me feel bad . yes , i really do . everytime you text me and told me that you're sick , i will end up not reply to ur text . i admit that . because i was sad . i feel bad as i cant be any help at all . im a doctor-to-be , wearing white coat like all the time , but i cant even help my own best friend when im needed the most . im so sorry . im being a bad friend .

Sorry for keeping my distance away from you and everybody else ; ayuni , din and others . its not that i hate you . i just dont know how to face everyone . im having a dilemma whether i should share my problems or not . everybody were busy , and i dont even sure that you will have time to listen to all my whine and sigh . my problem is not even a simple one , it involves life . the life of my loved ones . and i dont know if i could handle it well , and im not ready to tell everyone about everything . yes , it hurts , it hurts me so much that i have to keep it silent from every single person . only God knows how im struggling everyday , surviving through everyday , pray to Allah for keep my father alive for another day , living in the greatest fear here in UM while abah is at home , fighting his cancer by himself with only 12-years old Mukhriz by his side to take care of him . im here at UM . helmi is striving for his SPM in Jasin . mama's working real hard there in Kuala Lipis and leaving her sick husband at home . i bet no one will understand what we've been through all this while . my life is not like the other super ordinary happy 20-years-old teenagers life . maybe that is why im keeping my distance from all of you . because we are not in the same league anymore . im far steps behind . i hope you'll understand , even just a tiny piece on what i've been through . im so sorry , emira . like really sorry .

Thankyou for everything , sayang . you never be a bad friend to me . you will always be one of the greatest person i've ever had . don't blame yourself . never . im grateful enuff that you texted me every single day , since abah's gone , trying your very best to motivate me and make sure that im okay . i received and read everything ; repeated again and again to gain some courage through your words . it just that i dont have any strength to reply your text and any other people text . abah left me during the time that i really need him the most . abah left during my STUDY WEEK . when i need to prepare myself for the big battle on the upcoming week . its hard . its very hard enuff to wake up again and study when you already lost your father yesterday . trust me , no one will understand that kind of feeling .

Emira Ezuna , no matter how many good friends i met after you , your place in my heart will always remain the same . you will always be my best friend and remained like that forever . i never leave you , i never throw you away , you're always here with me all the time . i care about you , i love you , i miss you . please take good care of yourself , i cant bear to lose anyone that i love anymore . please be healthy , at least until i become a doctor . so that when that day comes , i know i can be useful for you . this is the least that i can do . you don't need any qualifications to be my friend . i never put one . and nothing is impossible , nothing is changed , because deep in my heart , i know we are still the same person as before . only time and fate distances us apart . dont worry about me . im titanium . i'll be just fine . i love you , sayang . :)

Emira's BFF ,

Fitrah Ilyana .