Babe . i thought i could handle it , life i mean . i thought that everything was going to be okayy when i decided to ignore all those craps and live my life the way i want to . But im wrong . it isn't .
Last few days , is so not my days . im getting trouble over and over again . gahhhhh when will you change your clumsy habit ilyana ? i made my roommates waiting for me just because i woke up late and being such a lembab person ever . i got my finger stucked at the lab's drawer during physiology practical , which ended up gave me a swollen and blue little fingers as a reward . got eye sore on my right eye which lasted until nowww ! lastly , i got myself a beautiful scars on my left back foot to complete the whole package of the week . magnificent isn't it ? i dont know what will happen in many days ahead . haihhhh -.-"
Tonight , i just have some thoughts that popped out , out of sudden in my brain . yeahhh it is a sudden thought . firstly , no offence . this is just a common opinion from me without pointing to anyone and whom im supposed to point it to . one fact . i hate being the last person to know something . its not that i want to be the ONLY first . just dont put me in the last place . it hurts me . yes , it really2 hurts me . even when i try to understand the situation , and put myself in certain pepel's shoe , i still can feel the pain inside . indeed , when i know that thing after such a long time than the other parties did know , it hurts me even more . yes , i really do . now , i bravely admit this reality of me . yes , you will say , no awak . don't feel isolated bla bla bla . you're still a part of us , you're still important to us , bla bla bla . yes , i know i'm rude . sorry . yet , the thing is , when only the words plays the role alone , without the action coming along , i guess every single words that came out is a LIE . am i right ? if there are some parameters available to measure how sad , how frustrated , how angry i am with you , i have no idea what the results might come out . i keep everything to myself all this while . whatever things you've done , whatever things that you guys know that i dont know , and whatever stories that i discover only when its too late . maybe i will said "naaa its okayy . i dont mind" along with the smile carved hypocritically on my face . but actually im crying inside . why ? because i always want my friends to be happy , even when i dont . that's another fact . people come first before myself . if you really understand me , then you'll know im hurt inside . never mind . i never expected that you'll know . babe , i never hate pepel before . mama always tell me dont ever hate people . even no matter how we dislike them , they still contribute to who we are todayy . they still gave us some lesson , some things that we cannot get from the books or anywhere . it is experience . due to this reasons , i will not hate anybody and appreciate everything that came , coming and will come into my life . guys , dont worry i can forgive . instead , i forgive easily . but i'll never forget it . ohhh okay i lie about the early sentences of this paragraph . i wrote this with some people and some names in my mind . whom i love the most . whom i treasure myself with the most . whom i appreciate and respect the most . i still love you guys . but i guess it's the time for me to put some gaps between us so that i will not get hurt again , and you guys will share everything that you wanna share among all of you without feeling guilty to me . okayyy ? right noww , when i cant even read yours anymore , i know where exactly im standing . no offence please . feel free to drop one of the capital F from now . it still sounds good even when you lacked one F , i guess . live well guys , i love you . :')
i'm sorry . i'm sorry for making all of you read all this rubbish . And sorry again for those who think that i am strong enuff to beat the odds , because i'm actually not . i thought i could do it , i thought i could hold everything on back to myself , i thought i could try and be happy for the sake of myself and the people who want to see me live better , but i can't . i just can't hold on anymore . im demanding for a happy life so badly . and im trying so hard that in the end , i got terribly injured . one thing im sure of . i will keep trying to pick myself up and hold my head high , put everything aside and live my life as FITRAH ILYANA because im a girl with pride . :)
Rolling tears ,
Fitrah Ilyana .
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